Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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