I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
