this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
