In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
