there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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