Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
