There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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