Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
