piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
