hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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