OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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