I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
