she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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