Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
