Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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