I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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