grandma shit on top of the toilet
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
