I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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