I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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