How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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