i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I need water and some morals
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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