i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
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Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
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The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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