I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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