I need help removing her.
I think I died a long time ago.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
