I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
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The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."