I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it