this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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