things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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