i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
