she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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