You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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