Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
