i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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