Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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