I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
