Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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