Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
