My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
