i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
