Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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