I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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