just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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