finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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