He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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