I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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