He had one of those small greek statue penises
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
