..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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