I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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