you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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