and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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