I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
