Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
