I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The best revenge is premature balding
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
