normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
