I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
His hands were made for my vagina.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
