fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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