I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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